Ambiguity.

I am happy and disturbed, though I am neither one nor the other. This dueling duality cannot be separated into parts that function independently, but are intertwined like body and heart. The heart can be removed from the body, which is catastrophic. It is easy to visualize the destruction and dismantling of tangible things, like bodies and hearts. But intangible things, like happiness and perturbation, elude the mind’s eye. Yet they exist. I am many other things, more so than happy and disturbed, and those things cannot be put on display, for the masses to inspect. What would happen if those things, feelings, could be removed? Would there be a catastrophe? I am not attempting to develop a new theory of criminal behavior, but merely capitulating. My body or mind or both won’t let me sleep. I know I want to sleep. What I want to do is never a source of confusion. But there is an agenda that works against me from time to time. I can’t identify whom or what has this agenda, but it is certainly not mine. Why would I do something I don’t want to do? So here I am, capitulating, writing down my thoughts because of some agenda that decided I shall not sleep. One day I will find who has this agenda and pretend I don’t know about it. I will know and not know; I will win. But that is terribly untrue because I will eventually die and lose series of selves and unique development in this environment. All humans are the same in death because they all lose everything. The rich and the poor, the popular and the despised, the good and the wicked, are all the same in death – dead. In my eyes, a different human would be one that could truly win the game of life and remain alive indefinitely. For now, we call this “science fiction”. Some people call it “religion”. Both are more intertwined than the DNA in your cells’ nuclei. A happy person, like a depressed person, is unhealthy. I find it interesting that one can be diagnosed with depression but not happiness. To be happy, to be happy all the time, is to demonstrate a lack of concern for the unfortunate events on this planet. This is the equivalent of a crime, a mental crime. Similarly, one that is depressed all the time demonstrates a lack of concern for the fortunate, or good, events on this planet. A mind that is all mixed up, with unequal parts of happiness and depression, is healthier (more stable) than a mind that predominantly engages in one or the other. Bryan Singleton 5-24-2013